Friday, October 15, 2010

Beam Me Up, Scotty!


Whilst my previous alien post presented a rough list of what many serious ufologists consider to be *benchmarks* suggestive of actual close encounter experiences, I felt it pertinent to present further information that is SO highly secretive it is known only to myself and the rather large dust bunny languishing behind my refrigerator.

Now, being as how this material is so astonishingly informative and, let us say ... *controversial* - you may wish to print out several thousand copies of this post and distribute them freely among your co-workers, door-to-door solicitors, or other people you really don't like. Notice I used Christmas colors which means this post will also make a wonderful addition to those typical mind-numbling-ly boring family *newsletters* that people love to enclose in otherwise pleasant Christmas Cards. I mean, who really looks forward to hearing about Uncle Ed's latest hemorrhoid removal?

No need to thank me, but feel free to send me expensive fruit baskets, imported fudge, or cashmere sweaters as a small token of your undying gratitude. No C.O.D., please.

Ahem. Okay. Here we go -

Fact 1: There are no such things as "Alien Abductions"
Freakin' duh. I mean, who's gonna abduct an alien, for cryin' out loud? And where you gonna keep it anyway, in the basement next to the leaky freezer? That'd go over real well when the kiddies head downstairs to play Halo.

Fact 2: There ARE, however, such things as "Human Abductions"
According to the latest statistics compiled by the prestigious research assistants at the International House of Galactic Pandemonium & Pancakes, as many as 3 zillion Earthlings are abducted every week - especially if they have a middle name such as Bob, June or Bell. [E.g. Leroy Bob, Betty June or Mary Bell.]

This already unsettling figure becomes much higher if Miller, Bud Lite or Boone's Farm has been ingested, - often resulting in what is known in Ufology as...

Fact 3: MISSING TIME (*How to Get Away with being 2 Hours Late to Anything*)
Sure, it's hard to prove. That's the BEAUTY of 'missing time'! Late for work? Missing time. Late for Betty June's poetry recital at the Senior Center's Annual Stewed Prunes Festival? Missing time. Is your life in ruins because you were supposed to be at the Chapel getting married at 8 a.m. and now it's 10:15 AND how the hell are you gonna explain this one to your humiliated fiancee, her uppity sister who drives an electric car all over town, ... and NOT to mention that you reek like a brewery and are missing all the one dollar bills out of your wallet?

Darn that ol' missing time! ;D

Fact 4: The Alien/Human Hybrid Family Unit (or Leave It To Betelgeuse). Sadly, according to some of the most renowned researchers in the field, it is a sobering truth that just about everybody on the face of this planet has, unbeknownst to them, an Alien husband or wife with whom they have produced enough fugly bug-eyed kids that even the Galactic Child-Support System cannot process all the paperwork.
I hate to be the one to break it to you, but all I can say is that you do NOT have an alien SPOUSE tucked away in the vast recesses of your subconscious cellar. Nope, sorry to tell you this - because what you DO have instead is an Alien user who thinks so little of your reputation that he/she/it has not even bothered to make it legal. Face it, these guys are just players and there's no way your EVER getting invited to Christmas dinner at their house/starship.
Plus, they're ALREADY married but their alien spouses don't understand them the way that YOU do. Capeche?

So there you have it. The truth hurts, but someone had to spill the beans. I like to think that in some small way, by posting this, I've given back to society and we'll all be better off for it in the end.

Speaking of END - watch out for those Aliens and their pesky a.n.a.l. probes! :O

I'll leave THAT one for Bubba at Tiny Trailer Town to handle.

So stay tuned for an alien themed giveaway coming up REAAAAAAALLLY soon!

This is your Commander Salamander, signing off.

blogs visited:






  1. Thanks so much for these clarifications.
    I now no longer am worried about Alien Abduction. And am so gonna use the missing time excuse

  2. Yeah, it's like the perfect murder without the body lol

    *Please note* - there are a few stuffy not-a-team-player types who frown on using this excuse for visitations, graduations and sporting events involving teams that sux.