Chapter Two: Getting There's Half the Fun
A spinning tunnel, or black hole, or some incredibly trippy CGI special effect thingie, took shape in front of Jack. He hovered suspended in front of the yawning mouth, curious and contrary at the same time. There was no denying he was expected to proceed forward. He felt a tugging sensation and was instantly reminded of his grandmother's Hoover.
Suspicious, Jack stood his etheric ground – in a manner of speaking.
“Hellooooo?!” he shouted into the tunnel. “Is anyone there?”
No answer. The tunnel continued to twirl and spin and whatever else it is these kind of things do.
Jack, already traumatized by recent events, wasn't especially in a huge hurry to be testing any strange new waters. Gingerly, he ventured a ghostly toe in the general direction of the whirling vortex.
The tunnel, however, was growing impatient. It probably had better things to do than dick around with one more puny mortal and just wanted Jack to get on with it. With a sharp, spiritual suck, Jack found himself slurped into the tunnel where he proceeded to toss end over end like so much etheric laundry.
So this is what a sock feels like, Jack thought.
As he tumbled down the length, breadth, and whatever else of the tunnel, Jack caught glimpses of all manner of unsettling ... things? Granted, he was moving too fast to be certain, but what looked like demonic Pokemons appeared to be reaching out to grab him. A cacophony of wailing and gnashing and general unpleasantries accompanied the visions.
Jack couldn't wait to get out of tunnel.
And so it was with great relief that he finally saw a large, dazzling light – at first no bigger than a dollop of whipped cream – shining at what he took to be the end of the tunnel.
Hey!! He knew this! This was the holy light of God everyone talked about whenever someone died but managed to get sent back to earth. Near death experiencers, or some such people, the newspapers called them.
Now we're finally getting somewhere, Jack thought.
As Jack approached the light – THE Light – it became larger and brighter and more beatific the closer he got. It was like a million light bulbs. Well … the old incandescent ones at any rate, not those ridiculous environmental CFL jobs with all the mercury vapor sloshing around inside. Was God old-school incandescent, or was Jack just being funny?
It had been a long day.
With an abrupt *POP*, the tunnel expelled Jack.
And there he was. Basked in the omnipotent brilliance of unconditional love personified. The glory of the Lord, the Godhead, the Alpha and the Omega. A warm acceptance of unearthly magnitude engulfed Jack from head to toe.
This feeling, … why, it was amazing! The Light was hands down better than any thing Jack had ever experienced, even SEX … or, or … LOTS of sex, Jack thought. Not that he knew that for a fact, but still.
Like a dog, Jack's soul wiggled all over the place. Soaking up the light, rolling around in it. Sniffing and pawing and generally having a wonderful time of things.
In his passion, tears streamed down Jack's etheric cheeks. “Oh, THANK you, Lord! Jesus, Lord ...”, Jack stuttered in his inability to express his heartfelt gratitude. “I've come home! Thank you, Oh Lord for ...”
“Please deposit one dollar” intoned the Light.
Jack stopped wiggling and expressing. “Excuse me, Lord?”
“Please deposit one dollar”.