Just for the record, I really hope we DO have a zombie apocalypse.
There. I said it. Out loud, kinda sorta.
... does this make me a bad person [too late, don't care]?
Act like you're not curious to see what it'd be like.
Even a small zombie apocalypse? I mean, it's not like
I want everybody [else] to get all ate up. Just the people
I don't like [I have a list][not really].
See? That's the [only] good thing about getting older and no longer
worrying if your boobs are still perky [they're not].
You can just say whatever you like and people write you off as
being senile and/or crazy. Sometimes they will even pat you on the head.
... So. For you cowards out there, let's just pretend we're in the midst of
some kind of slavering, shuffling, brain-eating debacle. Here's a wee questionnaire
to help matters along:
1) You're seated at the breakfast table scanning the newspaper, enjoying that first hot cup of coffee of the day, when you hear a neighbor banging and moaning at your front door. You ...
a) Yell at one of the kids to answer the stupid door. I mean, it's not like you couldn't make another kid if you had to. Maybe one that'd even clean up their stupid room once in a while.
b) Jump up from the table and throw on some eyeliner. Just in case it's that hot guy across the street who's always waxing his Porsche with his shirt off. I mean, just because you're married doesn't mean you're dead [yet].
c) Realize that the Zompocalypse has finally arrived. NOW you can try out all those kewl weapons and advice books you picked up at the latest ComicCon. Even though your husband laughed at you for being such a nerd. Hopefully, he'll get ate up but you'll need to remember to edit your marital status on facebook.
d) All of the above, you fool!
So, like, now there's all these dead folks ambling about looking for something to eat. But what if they were vegans before they turned? Do they eat grains? What if they had dentures instead of teeth? Can they still spread the plague? Or what if they were morons before they *turned*? Is stupidity contagious???
OH MY GAWD, whatever will we DO?!?
We're ALL GONNA DIE ... if, if only there were some type of guaranteed full-proof body armor against zombies!!
*INTRODUCING THE ONE & ONLY GUARANTEED FULL-PROOF
BODY ARMOR AGAINST ZOMBIES*
For only 4 easy payments of $19.99, you can protect your vulnerable
human flesh and that of your loved ones, with this amazing sticky, easy
to apply roll of anti-zombie body tape that looks suspiciously like standard
duct-tape but probably isn't.
And that's not all, folks. We'll also throw in for FREE [additional shipping & handling charges will apply] a sturdy brain-protector that bears an uncanny
resemblance to a rusty colander [spaghetti not included].
Please hurry, quantities are limited [to the first 500,000 callers].
Operators are standing by to take your call...
*This has been a test of the emergency zompocalypse system.
Had this been a real emergency there would be blood and guts and gore
everywhere. With lots of screaming involved. LOTS of screaming, the kind
you read about.
We repeat. This had been a test ...