Zombie Ants Alert

Okay, so they're teensy-weensy and it's sorta hard to tell. But I think I have an infestation slash horde of miniature zombies cleverly disguised as ants.

Whoa.

Who would've thought zombies would ever develop the necessary skills to pull that one off? That's gotta be right up there with zombies discovering fire {click here for epic zombie post}

Seriously, no matter what I do these little bastards keep coming and coming, like some relentless onslaught waged by Genghis Khan if Genghis Khan were a) still onslaughting innocent folks, b) about a 100Th of a millimeter tall, and c) riding ants instead of elephants.

As an aside, I really really hope I spelled ol' whatsisname correctly because, frankly, I don't give a big enough shit to go google.

As another aside, I further hope that *millimeter* would be the correct measurement term because - back in the 70's - my generation was too otherwise occupied with drugs, sex & rock n roll to learn the stupid metric system.

Just kidding (right).

Back to the ant thing: what is really scary is that I am just thhhhhhhhhis close to being an OCD type of clean freak. Very neat, I is. For someone who can't see well enough to tweeze their own eyebrows without the magnifying glasses used by Helen Keller, I can spot a cracker crumb from across a crowded room. And being Miss Clean & Tidy Freakazoid, I'm always vacuuming the stupid kitchen like someone's paying me (they aren't).

So why are there all these zombies or ants or whatever trying to take over my kitchen every time I turn my back (to play around on the Internet, it seems) ???

I don't know what to do. Obviously heat doesn't slow them down, since it's been about a trillion degrees for the last week and our arthritic A/C unit is barely able to keep up. You'd think the little stinkers would wilt in all this fool heat, instead of being able to lift sugar molecules a billion times their size.

That's why I don't think we're dealing with your ordinary, run-of-the-mill type ant here.

Now, if you know me at all you know that despite everything, I'm soft hearted and a real sucker for all that Zen feel-goodery stuff. I'm a vegan most of the time, and try to avoid killing anything because my life sucks just enough that I need more bad karma like another hole in the head.

Plus, I've seen pictures (recently I might add) of suns so immense (like Arcturus or Betelgeuse) that they make our ol' Sol look like a marble. No lie. So what if I'm like an ant to something or somebody way bigger out yonder in the cosmos?

I'm very tender and bruise easily and don't want any flying Macaroni Monster to step on me.

Or. Worse yet. What happens if MY ants have some kind of insectile world wide web and they put the word out on me or something? What if they are the revenge seeking kind of ant and are part of a global mafia ant thing and I wake up one day to find a horse's head in my bed (granted, it would have to be an itsy-bitsy horse head - like a Shetland pony or something).

That's why I haven't used poison inside, although cinnamon - believe it or not - creates a great barrier for a while, until they drag out old toothpicks from under the refrigerator and start using them as pole vaults.

Maybe we could all sit down, with a mediator of sorts (not like my cat is busy doing anything else besides yakking up on the clean bed), and hash out our differences. I could explain how mummified ants in my salt shaker and/or underwear drawer causes me to break out in stress hives, and the ants could explain whatever bizarre issues ants might have.

Maybe I could just move.

Thankfully, August is right around the corner and that means hordes of zombie crickets who will - hopefully - eat the ants before the cat finds them and decides to *play* with them.

*** and by 'play' I mean happily batting the crickets around for hours before I can accidentally step on them in the dark and spend the rest of the night washing my feet and dry heaving over the side of the tub.