Saturday, May 28, 2011

Potato Chips and Poltergeists

and Other Things I Worry About:

Giant Rats: I swear to God in Heaven, if werewolves were real I would rather be locked in a room with a whole pack of them and basted with A1 Sauce during a triple full moon than be within a galactic light year of a Giant *shudder* rat. Have you seen these babies? The size of small dogs (with four foot tails as thick as your thumb!).

Eating a spider in my sleep: Not that there's any particularly good time to eat a spider, but just the idea of waking up one morning and while brushing/flossing my teeth I discover a long, skinny leg wedged between my molars is enough to make a body want to sleep with their mouth duct-taped shut for all eternity and then some.

Tornadoes: Since I live in both the Midwest AND a mobile home (an inexpensive domicile not exactly known for it's wind resistance), I think my concern is fully justified. Besides, try coaxing your cat into the bathtub while the sirens are going off. Not gonna happen.

Jurassic Park Wannabees: Laugh all you want, because right now - at this very second - some scientist somewhere is splicing T-Rex's bone marrow with frog DNA just because he can. This is the very same scientist who had his lunch money stolen every day in Jr. high, so he's out for revenge. We're all gonna end up as McPeoples, you just know it.

Dentists: I have a friend who literally falls asleep in the dentist's chair (not to be confused with an electric chair - but close enough). And I hate her because if there is one thing I hate worse than crippling tooth pain it is the uber crippling tooth pain experienced when the dental drill (supposedly on *accident*) hits a nerve. That is the kind of pain that makes child birth seem like a mild case of indigestion by comparison. Honestly, it is not unusual for me to *tough out* a bad tooth situation until just the sight of someone chewing gum sends me into cold sweats. Then I'll make an appointment, but not one second sooner.

Looking in the mirror after watching something really scary like The Ring or The Grudge, etc: Sure, it was just a movie, but if you're honest about it, it's hard not to be skeeved out for the first few hours after a good horror movie marathon. I think I slept with the light on for almost a week after watching Paranormal Activity. Anyway, about the mirror thing - that FIRST time you go pee after watching a truly scary movie and wash your hands in the sink basin TRYING to work up the nerve to look yourself in the mirror? It takes buckets of courage to do ... and the whole entire time your mind is telling you what a complete dweeb you are, while it's also telling you there's gonna be a hideous face looking back at you! AAAAAAAAH!

I know there's more to my list, but that's all I can think of for now. Plus I've drank tons of caffeine so now I've gotta go use the bathroom. Oh no.

So what kind of goofy things bother YOU?

PS. Someday I'll tell my potato chip horror story but not today~


  1. Eating a spider in my sleep - just as bad as finding cockroaches crawling on your face

  2. I grew up in Fla - you should see the roaches they call Palmetto bugs.
    Roaches on frigging steriods, and they FLY :P