Sunday, September 9, 2012

Losing a Loved One ...

... or, what to do when they're not where you *planted* them.

Chee, where to start? Well, first off, if you've ever read anything I've written (I'm sorry)(you have my deepest condolences), then you already know I've a warped sense of humor - but only because the Bluebird of Happiness keeps using my head as a Port-O-Potty.

Life is pretty messed up at times. One instance that certainly qualifies for *messed up* was the day I received a phone call informing me that the cemetery where my mother is buried was caught in a scandal. It seems they were allegedly re-selling the same burial plots over and over.

As I live several states and over 1,400 miles from where my mother is (was?) buried, a concerned relative still living in the area read the story when it broke in her local newspaper, and thought I ought to know.


So. Being as how my mom had died way the hell back in 1969, I had long since evolved past the grief, and reached the conclusion that *she* wasn't really in her grave. Unfortunately, I believed this in a spiritual sense, and not necessarily a physical one.

Dear God - somebody *lost* my mom!!! And, being 1,400 miles away, there wasn't a whole lot I could do anyway, and certainly not while the scandal was currently *under investigation*.

You can't MAKE this kind of crap up.

My final conclusion on the matter, such as it stood, was that mom's physical remains weren't that important, not in the grand scheme (no pun intended) of things. A handful of bones does not a soul make.

And, whatever wrong doing had or had not been committed, would eventually work itself out. I concluded that to emotionally invest myself in the drama would do ME more harm than good.

Thus, I washed my hands of the entire affair.

Now, I have had to do a lot of *hand washing* in my life. We all have. Don't think for a moment that I believe I'm some rare specimen.

But, I'm telling you now, without humor life will rip you a new one. Granted, too many awful things just aren't funny. I don't mean to suggest they should be. What I am saying, redundant to the end, is to laugh as much and as often as you can.

When we are young (admittedly, I sometimes see my own peers fall guilty to what I'm about to say) - everything is high drama. He said, she said, they did and so forth. People not only thrive on drama, they insert their nose where it doesn't have to belong, and they eat that shit up.

A person will waste more damn energy, both mentally and physical, on stupid crap that doesn't really matter. Especially when it comes to relationships.

For example: One of the most difficult things to wrap the head around, is infidelity. It happens because the animal reproductive response, the *survival* drive, is perhaps nature's strongest impetus. We, and every other life form on this weird little planet, are hard wired to reproduce come hell or high water.

But, I am strongly suggesting, - if you are, will, or HAVE spent valuable time and energy concerning yourself if a partner is cheating, or WILL cheat, or HAS cheated - you are W.A.S.T.I.N.G. your time. Believe it or not, it's not worth the angst.

See, we take everything and anything, and insert ourselves, our ego, into the mix. In our minds, the world revolves around us, because we are both objective AND subjective beings. It is very, very hard to remove oneself from the equation. Somehow, or so we believe, things happen because of something we did or did not do. Especially in the event of infidelity. We think things would have been different, if only WE were different.

Which is hogwash.

What happens to or with or between two people, is an event unique unto them. No matter how sexy or fugly a person is, if that person's partner is unfaithful, it was an act that does not and did not involve the betrayed partner. One need look no further than Hollywood to see this in spades. How many times have you been astonished to read that So-and-So cheated on his/her gorgeous spouse? Believe it or not, it really had little to nothing to do with the offended party.

This is hard to explain, so I hope I'm making myself clear.

You have to remove yourself from the equation at some point. Which is not the same thing as exoneration, it is psychological prudence and objective maturation.

People love to get themselves worked up. Often over something that is not all that crucial to their well being. They will act against their own best, higher interests. And generally make the situation worse for everyone involved.

And, as bloggers, we've certainly seen enough drama come down the pike to last a lifetime. While I'm not taking sides, I will say that emotions ran unnecessarily high, until it turned into a veritable feeding frenzy. Because, unchecked, that's what emotions do.

On the flimsiest pretext, some people unnecessarily inserted themselves into the drama, and the entire mess continued to snowball. While my point isn't about who was right or wrong, as it's not MY position to judge, my point is the utter waste and futility of it all. My particular honest opinion was that the situation was a matter between a mere handful of people, and it was up to THEM, not the entire blogging community (of which I am but a minuscule part, thank you very much!) to resolve.

But no. Human ego, the entire world revolves around ME mentality, runs rife throughout our entire society.

Trust me, for I am not bullshitting here. For what it is worth, it is more important to learn when to pick your battles, and when to relinquish one's emotional investment in a situation.

Laugh more.

Cry less.

Hopefully, in the end, or a reasonable facsimile thereof, we will be in a better place, where hope and humor and forgiveness rule the day. I hope mom's there, 'cos she sure as hell isn't where we left her ... 0-O

Ps - I'm not always this *preachy*.
Pss - Feel free to send me copious amounts of baked goods and homemade soup, if only because I can't type/rant and stuff my face at the same time. ;D


  1. Isn't it usual to resell plots over there?
    Here you pay for a grave plot for a couple of years (let's say 30 for example). after that period you have the possibility to extend that period by paying again. If you don't the plot gets emptied out and resold.

  2. Sully - While I can't say for certain that it isn't done, or maybe in a contract somewhere ... I've never heard of such a thing! Maybe it's something relatively new? Hmmm ... I'm curious now and will have to check around. Admittedly, it makes a lot of sense especially per the *space* issue. Wouldn't want THAT job lol ;P

  3. Crazy!!

    What a crazy-weird-horrible investigation!! Interesting thoughts on what's important and what's not. I say "pick yer battles" all the time - but mostly referring to raising kids. I got some strong-willed little people runnin' around here, so when I butt heads, I pre-plan.

    In the midst of high emotions, it's hard to stop and think rationally. All the drama of youth sorta smooths out the drama of adult-hood. Or should.

    Personally, I get pretty irritated when stories are written with extra hyped-up drama. Even "age-appropriate" drama. You know?

  4. @Laura - exactly lol
    As an aside, your strong-willed little people sound adorable <3
    I miss those days (most of 'em), but you sound like a wonderful mom, and a very mature one, I might add. Good for you!! It's not even remotely easy, but the pre-planning pick yer battles is a wise strategy :D

    Isn't it funny, as we age and (hopefully) mature, how we can look back on the high drama of youth with a more practiced eye? Plus, I think you are right ... some stories seem to add unnecessary fuel to the fire, definitely :P

  5. I personally love your ranty posts because they are truly insightful and I look at some things with a new eye. You have some great things to say and some great things to teach - I bet you were a great mom also!

  6. Ana <3
    That is so sweet!!!

    If there was just ONE thing that I stressed over and over to my kids, it was the importance of self-determination, to think for oneself. That was numero Uno.

    Number two - do no harm. To self, others, nature.

    To this day I'm still (gratefully) very close to my grown demons ... I mean, KIDS. They're wonderful, amazing & brilliant people, and I'm so lucky to have them <3

  7. "When we are young ... everything is high drama." - Ain't it the truth!

    @Sullivan: While I have heard of these scandals many times, I have never heard of Rent-A-Grave. The whole idea of a cemetery plot is to offer eternal peace, not a time-share.

  8. @Keith - If only we could somehow *go back* to reclaim our wasted energy. They say youth is wasted on the young, yet in all fairness, I sometimes see my aged peers squandering the supposed wisdom they've allegedly gathered over the decades. Probably, I am no better ;P

  9. I see drama, even unnecessary drama, as a part of youth. It just wouldn't be the same without it. It's how I learned that it's not worth it to have people who create copious amounts of drama or people who try to make me feel bad about myself in my life.

    That's crazy about your mom's grave. I've never heard of that happening before!

  10. @Elizabeth - that's a healthy & wise attitude, my friend <3
    I've known a few people in my life that feed on drama, or contribute to it in a voracious fashion - and they are exhausting to be around - like energy vampires or something lol.

  11. I wish I could reclaim ANY energy, lol!

  12. @Keith - I call *dibs* FIRST lol