Saturday, August 18, 2012

When Rocks Were Soft ...

Way, way, way majorly-long time ago, in a galaxy thingie on the 3rd rock from the sun or something like that ... dinosaurs ruled the world, and ate anybody who disagreed with them or looked like food.

Unfortunately for the majority of the planet, everything looked like Pringles to the dinosaurs, including other dinosaurs, and they couldn't stop eating once they started which is why there are no dinosaurs living today (or extant - which shows that I am very brainy and read a lot).

Well, actually, in the end there was ONE very fat dino left alive, but eventually he died from a heart attack while watching an especially vigorous rerun of Dancing With The Stars.

A whole slew of years would go by, until one day a bored group of alien masons landed on Earth and went around building pyramids all over hell and back. Egyptians, in Latin, means bored-alien-masons.

Eventually the soaring cost of property tax caused the aliens to stop building stuff, real estate being what it was way back yonder - especially the *pricey* neighborhood down around the Nile river valley.

Once the aliens left, the humans ventured out of the trees, grew an opposable thumb and started wrapping everything they could get their fool hands on all up in bandages, and left them stacked inside the pyramids like mummified dominoes.

Then humans discovered sex and decided they liked that a whole lot better than making mummies. They also discovered fire shortly after the sex thing, and several people accidentally got burnt in all kinds of tender areas until lawyers were invented so everyone could sue everyone else.

Pretty soon nobody could afford to have either sex or hot food, except the lawyers.

Luckily, around 1973 a huge really big asteroid struck earth and killed off most of the lawyers, saving the rest of the human race from extinction. Everybody was happy to be able to have sex and hot food again, especially microwave popcorn which turned out to be really popular and nearly got Orville Redenbacher elected as president in 1980.

Somewhere around the turn of the millennium, Christopher Columbus discovered the Americas, the Moon, Mars, Venus, the Sun, etc - mainly because he was the only guy in the entire world who owned a telescope. Charges of voyeurism were brought against Chris, but luckily (?) the aforementioned asteroid had missed a couple of sharp lawyers who'd spent the last few thousand years hiding behind an especially dense shrubbery on the coast of Great Britain - and they were able to get him off with the promise of extended community service.

Which brings us to today and ends our history lesson.

The reason I am able to bring you such a super secret valuable history lesson
is because I was born about a trillion-zillion years ago, or at least that's what it feels like somedays. Bleh.

My birthday is fast approaching, and this Thursday I'll be turning .... omg ...
seriously OMG ... no freaking way ... 55!!!!!!

How is this even possible when I have the maturity level of a fourteen year old?
Obviously, this is all a horrible dream and I'll wake up Thursday in my *real* 17 year old body smelling like Clearasil and with both my ovaries still working.

Dreams are free.


  1. Happy almost birthday!!!! Love the history lesson! :D

  2. Thank you Elizabeth (sure, YOU'RE all smiling & happy 'cos you're still YOUNG lol) <3

  3. Have a great birthday!
    And I love your view on history.

  4. <3 Thank you, Sully!! It feels pretty weird knowing I'm gonna be a speed limit (55mph on most US state hgwys) ;P

  5. That was the most fun history lesson ever. :)

    Happy early birthday! I think we are the age we feel- so I guess you will be 17 on Thursday! Yeah!

  6. @Jess - I gotta lay off the caffeine before bed lol
    But thank you for the birthday wishes!! <3
    Hopefully there's chocolate cake n' new books in my future ;D

  7. LOL!! "...and decided they liked that a whole lot better than making mummies." Hehe
    Happy late birthday, hope you had a great day!