Saturday, February 25, 2012

Impossible Things I Would Love To Do

1. With a fun group of people and a kick-ass boom box, go back in time to suddenly appear in front of a tribe of neanderthals and let 'er rip. Maybe something pounding like Flo Rida's 'Low' or choreographed techno pop BSB's 'Larger Than Life'.

Better yet, materialize in the midst of some anal-retentive historical event such as the Salem witch trials, blasting the 80's hit 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun'. Purple hair and neon tights optional.

Silly String or a super-soaker water pistol would not go amiss either.

2. Spend a year backpacking through the remote areas of Europe, especially Romania and Transylvania. Must remember to pack crucifix, silver bullets, and holy water.

3. Go 500 years into the future. Take LOT$ of pictures to bring back. Also, find someone important, convince them I'm truly from the past ... and then make up all kinds of nonsense about what it was *really* like from my time period. See how gullible people are in the future.

4. Sit down and communicate with intelligent beings from an advanced, extraterrestrial civilization. Try to convince them that humans aren't as shallow/moronic as American Idol makes us look. Cry if they threaten to blow up Earth.

5. Set free all the animals in zoos, factory farms, labs, and so forth.

6. Compile a complete data base of all the best ghost stories ever written, then spend the rest of my life trying to read them all.

7. Explore the antarctic, deep ocean trenches, jungle-obscured ruins looking for cool stuff left by previous civilizations. Try not to freeze/get eaten by polar bears/drown/catch some hideous, incurable disease in the process. Take lots of picture$.

8. Discover a cure for stupidity.

9. End war for good. This may require locking all the various heads of state in a public restroom with poor ventilation until they can either figure out a way to freakin' get along or kill each other in the process. Either way, leave the rest of the world's population in peace.

10. Press the *undo* button on every poor decision I've ever made.

11. Build a gadget to talk with/see dead people. See if any of them can get me the winning lottery numbers. Find out what the afterlife is REALLY all about, especially that whole *tunnel/light* thing.

12. Sneak into heaven and see what's going on up(?) there. Better yet, find God/Creator/Source/etc and have He/She/It explain in precise detail what the purpose and meaning of life really is. Find out if reincarnation is real and is so, can I please have a better rack in my next life. Also, try to get God to admit that giving fire to the natives was probably not such a good idea after all. Offer to wax God's car if He'll let me stay in heaven and skip the whole death/dying thing.

13. Eat nothing but niblet corn and peanuts for an entire week and *see what happens*.

14. Ride my bicycle from the east coast to the west.

15. Have my very own book store.

16. Lock myself in my bedroom for 6 months and have the peace/quiet to actually write something of [hopefully] merit, instead of pissing around on blogger. A six month supply of caffeine, nicotine, chocolate is a must. Try not to alienate friends/loved ones/people-who-tolerate-me during this period.

17. Romp, play and kissy-smooch with a pack of lions/tigers [especially the baby ones]. Nuzzle their sweet little fuzzy tummies. Remember to wear death-proof clothing.

18. Somehow apologize/make things right with every person I've ever been a complete jackass to. Try not to come off as a whack-job in the process.

19. Fly. With real wings. Remember to avoid airports and power lines.

20. Have my aging/aching body 100% replaced with artificial cyborg-type parts, even if it meant looking like a bunch of tin cans spot welded by Helen Keller. Barring that, have my *consciousness* transferred to a manikin, preferably a totally hawt manikin.

21. Dreads. I luv, luv, luv long, cascading dread locks and think it would be the shit to have them. Blonde, black or red - any color will do.

22. Suddenly develop musical talent. Everybody always impresses everyone else with singing at bars n' such. It's much harder being [semi] artistic at a party, as few people have the patience to wait while you try to draw something on a damp napkin.

23. Walk on the moon. Or moon-walk, either one is fine by me.

The end.

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