Wednesday, December 28, 2011

How Not to Die in 2012 - You're Welcome!

Out of the goodness of my heart, Auntie M.A.D. has compiled - for YOU - a fully comprehensive and well-thought out plan [cobbled together while waiting for Hulu to load up] detailing all the necessary information a person needs in order to happily survive the dreaded 2012.

I do this out of love/boredom/a dare. While there is no need to thank me, anonymous gifts of chocolate/$50 bills would not go amiss. *ahem*


Avoid squirrels. Though I love the little buggers and would not for a moment wish them ill, it must be said that hanging around squirrels will most certainly get your ass killed. Keep a car's length between you and all squirrels at any given time, because ONE of you is bound to get run over. Basically, squirrels are not exactly notorious for their longevity - and they almost NEVER look both ways before darting out into traffic.

According to scientific statistics that would be purely mind boggling if I hadn't just made them up out of thin air, only 16% of people who run with bulls get killed, compared to the whopping 93% of people who run with squirrels. The choice, though obvious, is yours.

Furthermore, though Max Brooks [author of the best seller World War Z] did not technically come right out and name squirrels as the sole source of the zombie plague, it's my studied opinion that squirrels are unequivocally implied as the culprit - as any fool can verify for themselves by simply picking up a copy of World War Z, turning to page 77, multiplying the number of vowels by Pi and dividing by the atomic weight of walnuts [squirrel food] which RESULTS in the super secret Da Vinci codex of squirrels as known to the Vatican since the year of our Lord 1565.

Say what you will, but you can't argue math.

So don't get bit by squirrels or you will turn into a zombie and probably die [eventually].

Which brings me to ...

Don't get bit by a zombie, Period. You'd think this would be practical common sense, but it's amazing how many people need the constant reminder. George A. Romero, the patron saint of evisceration, has dedicated his career to this cause.

Speaking of weird shit. Something else to void. Don't get all caught up in the UFO craze and start wandering around creepy & remote fields at night hoping an alien mother ship will happen along. For all you know it could be a supply ship for McPeople. Sometimes it's just a good idea to keep a low profile regarding things you know absolutely nothing about.

And while we're trying not to die here. It has come to my haphazard attention that all our food stuffs for consumption, in one form or another, for one damn reason or another, are grossly contaminated or bound to eventually rot away our innards/brains/various organs, so it's probably for the best if we simply agree to dispense with eating altogether.

While it's entirely possible that at some point we're bound to starve to death, at least we'll have the satisfaction of knowing that no one had to use the jaws of life to extract our morbidly obese corpse out of a trailer like some bloated anchovy in a fish tin.

You know, nowadays every single stupid thing, from stress to the sheer act of breathing, is thought to be fatal to our health, and I so I think our last resort for avoiding death is to start fervently praying to God.

But, you might want to act really busy just in case praying puts you on His radar. So, make sure to involve yourself in as many long-term projects as possible as to increase any merit in His eyes for your earthly continuance. Strive to be a better person, but not TOO much better as we all know what happened last time.

And when I, personally, think of God, I also think of nature:

Unfortunately, it does appear that natural disasters seem to be on the upswing, so in order to not die, you might consider avoiding/moving away from any of the following areas: coastal regions [tsunamis], mountains [volcanoes], those really big states with lots of fault lines and/or subduction zones like California, Nevada, Alaska, etc, rivers [flooding, mudslides], great plains [tornadoes, drought, more earthquakes], Eastern states where people talk funny [blizzards], southern states [fires, hurricanes, sinkholes].

Which leaves exactly zilch, so you might as well stay where you're at.

Oh, and since the Mayans have everyone kinda edgy about the upcoming new year, it's a good idea to live below ground just in case some ancient comet/rogue planet/asteroid/meteor/CME/NASA junk happens to strike and rain fire from above. Just saying. If you can't move underground, you might wish to invest in a really sturdy umbrella.

More anti-death hints [I can think up this stuff all day]. Stop bathing or showering. Since, allegedly, most accidents happen at home or in the bathroom or something like that, never step foot in your bathroom ever again. Ever. If any family member should happen to thoughtlessly express their displeasure, lock THEM in the stupid bathroom and see how long it takes them to have an accident. Write up a scientific paper or thesis to document your findings. It'll give the judge something to laugh about while he's sentencing you to life in prison/having you committed. At least in an institution you'll be safe from squirrels.

Happy Freakin' 2012.


  1. I never trusted those squirrels. The one that's living in my owner's bookcase is always looking at me funny. I will have to hire a squirrel exorcist.

  2. Hire Jane Fonda.
    Wait. You said *exorcist*. My bad. ;D