Friday, November 25, 2011

Have You Ever Been Tempted to ...

... walk up to a complete stranger, like in the middle of Wal-Mart, point a finger half a centimeter from his nose and repeat saying "Not touching, not touching, not touching"???

Me, neither. [heh heh heh]

True story: Once I made the mistake of going shopping with my adult son and one of his evil friends. And the mall was like seriously packed wall to wall with shoppers. All of whom were strangers to me [thank GOD]. Because as soon as we were all standing in this hugely long line to pay for our crap [important purchases no one could live without], my son's evil friend begins tugging on my shirt sleeve WHILE LOOKING AT THE STRANGE MAN STANDING NEXT TO US IN LINE AND LOUDLY ASKING, "Mom, MOM!! Is that my DAD? Huh, is it?? Is that my DAD???!!"

... ^%$#@

Everybody else [except the strange man, of course] began laughing hard enough to wet themselves. I don't know what I did, because my mind is really awesome about erasing things too awful to remember.

Hey. I just thought of something I've been meaning to share, real quick here. Okay. You know how you're usually stressed and in a hurry while holiday shopping? I mean, we all are, right? And you know how crappy the weather gets like the two days before Christmas? Wind, snow, sleet, monsoon, hurricane, fog, frost, freezing rain, etc? And how all that crappy weather makes us even MORE in a hurry, careless, cold, wet, scurrying around in dark, gloomy, slick, congested parking lots so we can get inside the stupid store and get the entire stupid shopping the hell over with??

Yeah, me, too. So here's the dealio. Instead of hurrying to get INSIDE the store where it's all warm and brightly lit and festive and the scent of eggnog & cinnamon is enough to make your eyes start watering, etc blah blah blah ... what you want to do INSTEAD is casually stroll around OUTSIDE, in the creepy parking lot, and keep your eyes peeled on the ground for all the money that everyone ELSE is dropping in their hurry to get the hell inside and get the whole shopping thing over with.

Granted. You could get mugged and/or arrested for skulking around the parking lot like some creepy nutjob, but just THINK of all the $$$ you might find laying on the ground, or where the wind had blown it up against the fence/side of building!!!

If anybody has the nerve to do this let me know how things work out.
Ps. If anything I've mentioned is illegal then I was just kidding.
The End.


  1. You should have said: "No, if that guy had been your father you at least wouldn't have such an ugly face."
    Revenge can be so sweet >;-)

  2. Oooooooh, GOOD one, Sully!! Unfortunately, I don't think quick on my feet :P

    Whole YEARS have been known to pass before I'm able to think of the PERFECT response lol