BREAKING NEWS ... REPORTING LIVE FROM WI8U ... PITFALLS, ILLINOIS
ZOMBIES OVERRUN LOCAL TRAILER PARK
[As reported by area resident, Waylan Jesse, live at the scene]:
Waylan: "I do tell you I ain't never seen nuthin' like what I done seen tonite, and I hoped to gawd I ain't never to agin.
"It were bad, m'aam. Real bad.
"Sorry, I be trying to get this straight for yor news n' such. Here, hold up. I gotta steady my nerves o' bit. (Bubba! HEY YOU OLD FAT FART BUBBA I BE CALLING TO YOU! Bring me over some of that shine. Not in a cup, bring the whole dang jug YOU CHEAP TIRE-THIEVIN' NO GOOD SON OF A) ...oh, sorry, m'aam. We still on the air?
[sound of gulping] "Anyway, as I were getting to the point like, it were awful. See, me and some of the boys - Buck, Donnie, Six-Toes Ted, and Bubba - we wuz ('Scuse me, m'aam? Yeah, he do. Six of 'em. Both Feet) havin' a game o' lawn darts right fer the sun set down. The girls was setting up supper on the sheet metal behind the shed, and Bubba had spam grilling. You don't know what kinda good eats we put on when me and the gang goes all out, m'aam. Marybelle and cousin June both brought tater salad an' I thought they was gonna come to blows 'cos that's how women folk get when two of 'em be bringing the same thing 'cept June had pickles and Mary Lou pimento (looked like a pile of red slugs had got in the taters if you asks me) so it all turned out okay except for the part where June got pulled under the deck an' ate all to tiny pieces by a zombie but that were to come later.
"Well, sure, m'aam, we uns did try to save poor June. Right after we got the huntin' dogs tied up safe in the back o' Buck's pickup we surely did try to run that zombie-fella clean outta there but he had his mangy arms wrapped so tight around cousin June's head, jes' a tuggin' an' a moanin' all pitiful like, an' we could see right quick that he weren't givin' up his prize without a fight, an' by then poor June didn't look so good no how ...
"No, m'aam. One o' the dogs got loose later and run off with the head but we be thinkin' it'll show up e-ven-chu-olly 'cos them dogs is always buryin' stuff in the field back yonder of the trailer park and then they digs it up an' then they burys it agin an' ... what?
"Oh. Well, bout that time more zombies started comin' and people started screamin' and grabbin' their kids in offa the lots, an' Six-Toes took off a runnin' like he did that time he almost got caught shop-lifting pork rinds at the Dollar Barn an' that young stuck up gal who's daddy owns the car wash out on route 32 called the Sheriff an' we all knows she ain't as high n' mighty as her daddy thinks she is 'cos ever body knows she been dating BOTH the Mueller boys an' one o' these days they's gonna be a shotgun weddin' if'n she ain't careful you know what I mean.
"(Hey Bubba, how's bout sharin' a cut o' yor plug?! What the HELL you mean they's ain't no more I done seen you stick that there pouch under yor shirt an ... YES I KNOWS YOU'S ONE FAT SOB BUT THAT AIN'T ALL BELLY UNDER THERE I SWEAR YOU IS THE CHEAPEST NO GOOD I EVER LAID TWO EYES ON AN' THEY AIN'T BETTER BE NONE OF YOR STINKIN' BELLY SWEAT IN THAT POUCH OR I SWEAR ON MY SAINTED MOTHER'S GRAVE I WILL...)
"Oh no, m'aam. We's been the best o' friends since grade school. Fact is, Bubba's aunt Mercy is my stepmomma by marriage and our grandfolk was first cousins. Hard to believe it, but we is all related round these parts.
"I don't see nothin' funny 'bout my relations.
"All right, then. Now wheres were we? Oh. Yeah. People were a screamin' and hollerin' an' carrying on like the end of the world had arrived and I guess some who hadn't seen the zombies or gotten ate up yet prolly thought it were the end o' the world cos dogs were barking like everwhere like crazy an' them undead was crawlin' all over the trailer park, jumpin' up and down on the roofs like a pack o' hyenas like they show on that nature channel 'cept it weren't in Africa I wonder do they be havin' zombies in Africa? And anyhow old Widder Brown came runnin' out o' her trailer it be the little one on the corner with all them purty yard gnomes ... well ... I know it be dark NOW an' hard to make out the yard gnomes from them chickens which did get loose an' funny thing zombies don't like chicken I guess but they shore did like the Widder Brown an' almost caught her by grabbin' a hold o' that flowered bathrobe she's always draggin' around in, unless it's Sunday an' she's all fancied-up like for Church which don't fool me none cos I knowed she only goes to make googley eyes at the pastor an' it be a cryin' shame cos she ain't been a widder even one year an' she's already looking for a new mister to pay for her bingo habit which some churches frown on and some ain't.
"No. Like I jes' explained clear like, them dead-uns did NOT eat the widder Brown, cos she grabbed hold of a shotgun with one hand an' her bible in the other an' give them maggoty cusses both barrels she did, singing 'Amazin' Grace' at the top of her lungs which jes so happens the widder can sing like a canary an' they begs her at church to join the Pitfalls choir but she won't do it 'cos they practice on Wednesday night and that be the same night as bingo oh well.
"Yes, m'aam. I would surely be pleased for you to go to a station break now 'cos I been holding my shine for an hour like an' I mightily need to go relieve my present ur-in-airy condition behind that there Ford which ain't nothing more than rust holdin' hands an' why Bubba insists on keepin' that sorry excuse (YES YOU DONE HEARD ME RIGHT! I TOLD YOU AN' I TOLD YOU BUBBA LEROY TO GIT YOU A CHEVY BUT YOU DON'T LISTEN TO NO ONE 'CEPT YOR MOMMA AN' SHE AIN'T BEEN RIGHT IN THE HEAD SINCE LIGHTIN' STRUCK HER HOVER-ROUND LAST YEAR AN' SHE THINKS NIXON IS STILL PRES-O-DENT BUT YOU DO EVER LITTLE THING YOR MOMMA SAYS AN' NOW YOU AIN'T GOT NO DECENT TRUCK BUT WHAT YOU DO GOT IS A RUST BUCKET SETTIN' ON BLOCKS THAT IS SO SORRY EVEN THE CATS WON'T PEE ON IT YEAH WELL I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU COME OVER HERE AN' SAY THAT NO I AIN'T AFRAID OF NO ZOMBIES AN' I AIN'T AFRAID O' YOU NEITHER COME ON OVER HERE YOU CHEAP WORTHLESS S ...)