Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Confessions of a Nefarious Chin Hair

Not really, I just wanted to use the word nefarious. NEFARIOUS - okay, now I feel better.

Today's post is actually a prequel written in anticipation of the upcoming holiday season (which retail merchants sprung upon us about 5 minutes after we got the kids back in school the end of August). So ...

For the soon-to-be-upon-us Christmas frenzy (I mean season), I'd like to present a post chock full of inspirational warmth. A few modest lines to light the candle of love in every human heart. To lift the spirit with joy, and lastly -but never least - to impart the true meaning of the holidays in each and every mind I may so humbly touch.

But that sounds like a whole lotta work...

Instead and quite frankly, since none of you cheapskates out there have showered me with presents and pumpkin pie and popcorn balls and fudge, and maybe a Plasma TV or two, you're lucky to get this much out of me.

'Cos God knows, here it is, not even daylight yet, and I'm already hard at work. Weird. All I ever do is work, work, work and write. And feed cats. I mean, it's not like I ask for much, just a pretty mum or something. Cookies would be nice (those peanut butter ones with the deformed chocolate thingy in the middle).

Bitterness aside, I've been thinking to myself, "Self, how about we offer up readers some thrifty tips for the holidays?" Like ... giving homemade coupons promising the recipient services you'll do for them at some future date, say - a back rub, free babysitting, car wash or anything else you can think they'd enjoy. People really like that kind of thing. Then MOVE out of town before you actually have to do any of that stuff.

And who wouldn't be thrilled to receive a real sack of shiny gold nuggets under the Christmas tree? Yep. For the modest cost of a can of gold spray paint and a few shovels of gravel *borrowed* from you neighbor's drive, you can save a bundle on Christmas gifts. Don't forget the real sacks, though. *[caution: there's a fine line between outright felony and free enterprise these days].

It's ideas such as these that guarantee a holiday season no one will ever forget, barring serious pharmaceuticals.

Speaking of fruitcake (whatever). Did you know that fruitcake originated in Egypt***? Yes, indeed. During a brief and somewhat embarrassing period of history when their surplus of stray crocodiles and dead people were at an all-time low, the Egyptians were forced to secretly resort to mummifying foodstuffs in order to keep up the appearance of productivity and thus avoid having to erect another fool pyramid. Because, as every Egyptian worth his camel knew, just about anything beat lugging those heavy blocks all over heck and back under the blistering sun [RayBan would've made a killing in those days!].

So, centuries later, when looters broke into the tombs of Amen-Ramen, Tsk-Tsk-Tut, and the like, the mummified cakes were discovered and naively assumed to be worth something on the antiquities market. Those same cakes, now aged to the flavor and consistency of spoiled cement, are still out there making the rounds to this very DAY!

See, what appears to be chunks of red and green fruit are really bits of crocodile, which is why 'fruitcake' in Latin means "Repulsive Reptile Cake".

*** According to those merry misfits at The International House of Pyramids, Papyrus & Pancakes, whenever Pharaoh Amen-Ramen Noodle III began to sulk and whine about how all the other pharaohs had a newer, nicer pyramid than he did, his priests would gather round and reassure him what a pretty Pharaoh he was, and how YES, he did deserve a nice, shiny new pyramid, and as soon as all the slaves finished up with all that embalming stuff, they would jump right on the new pyramid thing. While in reality, the priests weren't any keener than the slaves to run around in the hot sun and sand all day long getting heat boils. And having to bless each stupid block before it was set in place was just about the most mind-numbing job yet invented. [Everybody was a lot happier a few years later when a huge oasis full of plastic was discovered, and the pyramids could then be quickly fashioned out of colorful lightweight interlocking blocks, which - as every school child knows - is where LotsaLegos come from]

@I don't know why my mind works like this ...

No comments:

Post a Comment