Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Mary Ann DeBorde - A Slice of Wry

I love fall? Don't you love fall? I know it's already here because I just saw my first woolly worm of the season. It was jet black with an eerie glow and sported a tattoo on its back that read 'DOOM'. Chee. I didn't know they made tattoo needles that small.

So now we've got the cooler temps and great sleeping weather. My feet got cold this week and I had to put on my fuzzy socks with the pink pompoms. Cats (we have two) love pompoms. I didn't have those socks on five minutes before Polly turned into some kind of Naruto-crazed Ninja and began attacking my feet like they were mice dipped in catnip. By the way, nothing ... and I mean nothing, cleans up bloodstains off the linoleum like good ol' Pine-Sol.

Yup. Autumn is just around the corner and by golly, we females love this time of year. Spring may be the time of year when a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of love, but fall is when a woman's estrogen levels reach heights exceeded only, perhaps, by the national debt.

Fall is when we women start nesting and cleaning like we are expecting the Queen Mother to drop in for a spot of tea and fat-free crumpets. After I'd scrubbed the house this weekend to the point you could've hosted an in-home heart transplant, I set out pumpkin candles and one of those cinnamon broom thingies to make things all cozy and autumn-ish. Now my house smells like the Mrs. Smith's pie factory exploded in my living room, which is fine unless the Queen Mother is a diabetic with allergies.

Anyway, this is such a terrific time of year. Fall. Before too long the leaves will kaleidoscope into brilliant shades of scarlet, maize and orange to turn our lawns into a patchwork quilt of autumn beauty. I feel like baking, too, so I tore out a couple of recipes from the October issue of Martha-Can-Afford-To-Live-In-Her-Own-Vineyard magazine, that I 'borrowed' from the library.

Speaking of magazine, did you happen to see in this month's Popular-Science-And-Pocket-Protectors the amazing article on how to turn kitty litter clumps into valuable mammoth diamonds using ordinary household ingredients such as vinegar and ... !!! WE ARE INTERRUPTING THIS POST TO BRING YOU A LATE BREAKING NEWS FLASH !!! Entomologists** report the discovery of unusually large yellow jacket nests uncovered in southern Alabama and parts of Georgia. While large wasp nests are common to fall, those nests being found are of such a size and magnitude as to puzzle experts. These 'supernests', are being found in undisturbed, remote locations locations including abandoned barns and cars. One such 'supernest' was verified to have filled the entire interior of a 1955 Chevrolet. Another supernest, found in a barn, was so large it had to be removed in sections. The cause of these supernests has not been determined. Speculations range from drought to global warming to harem battles between multiple insect queens! ... vinegar and ... and ... omg. What is this? Some kind of real life Fear Factor? First it was giant rats invading southern Florida, then intelligent mice in the labs, then the bedbug Olympics where the little stinkers are impervious to everything but flamethrowers, now I've got to worry about wasp nests the size of small planets turning up in the my garage or something. Where's that Hazmat suit when you need one?

Researchers are puzzled, my Aunt Fanny. I'll tell you why the yellow jackets are building huge nests and super duper colonies. Because they CAN, that's why. I may be wrong, but for some reason I don't think wasps feel the need to justify their actions, is why. Criminy.

Okay, so what we need here, and quickly, before it's too late, what we need here is some kind of protective, full body cover to protect us primates from the sick, twisted depravity of a Mother Nature who is also warped enough to create hissing, flying cockroaches and maggots (Joke: what is the difference between dead maggots and the cheap rice in your pantry? Answer: you only think there's a difference. Both swell when wet) along with gargantuan rats and bedbugs spelunking around at night inside your ear canal - probably with tiny flashlights equipped with batteries that keep going and going and going.

No. Seriously. I'm gonna barf. If I ever open my car door to find the inside of the entire vehicle engulfed in a wasp nest, I am going to softly shut the door, pretend I didn't see a thing, and keep walking in the opposite direction in a straight line until either a) I hopefully fall off the edge of this fubar planet or b) the sun explodes. Whichever.

So like I was saying. What we need here is some kind of nature-proof covering, like the kind recommended by the friendly folk at the International House of Stinging Pests and Pancakes. They suggest some kind of adhesive, waterproof substance, ideally cut into strips, with which to fully encase the human body until Mother Nature is done getting her jollies. Gosh, if only we had something like that available ...

INTRODUCING the adhesive, waterproof substance that you can cut into strips with which to fully encase the human body!!! For only 4-easy cheesy payments of $29.99, I will personally send you a roll of what looks suspiciously like duct-tape, but probably isn't.

Cheaper than a Hazmat, and a lot more flexible than a Plexiglas bubble, this anti-nature tape is just the thing you need to keep the primate in and the lower forms of disgusting life the heck away from your flesh. Yes. All you need is a roll of our no-money-back-guaranteed-anti-nature tape, an Exacto knife, and a very, very, very close friend who, after painstakingly binding your body like a big gray mummy with our miracle anti-nature tape, will carefully (make sure this is a TRUE friend instead of the sleeze bags you typically hang out with) use the Exacto knife to cut precise, crucial openings for you to see and breathe and all other necessary bodily functions that we are too mature to mention (right) here.

OR, if you are too cowardly and cheap to take advantage of this special offer, then YOU can spend the rest of your life curled up in a fetal position within the safety of your home, which is a lousy way to enjoy Fall, if you ask me.

Frankly, you get what you pay for.

To order the new, miracle Anti-Nature tape, please send $29.99 X4 to M.A.D.s Gullibility Research Project, c/0 M.A.D.s Super Secret Swiss Bank account. Please allow all of eternity for checks to clear. Thank you.

** Entomologists: people who don't scream like a big baby when a bug lands in their hair.

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